Ra.Onestein or The Modern Franken.One

So I saw Ra.One.

The Ramayana had a flying monkey, a bad man with ten heads, monkeys building bridges, a flying machine, an illusory deer and a pair of slippers on the throne of Ayodhaya.  It’s a pretty hard act to top.  This “live blog”/ankhon dekha haal of a supposed modern adaptation skips along on its own time (yes I know the running time is 156 minutes!) because that’s how long it felt.  

9:00 pm: Good Lord, I am living with rays, frequencies, kikikirans! PARANOIA ALERT! OK a nice lady scientist just told me it’s digital data flying around.

9:05 pm:  Nice Lady Scientist Jenny (Shahana Goswami) is trying to beam in a picture without a computer, puncturing the real-virtual interface and so on at a presentation.  Old firangs in audience astonished/aghast at pure Indian brilliance.

9:20 pm: A superdude called Lucifer (Shahrukh Khan) is flying around. A desi girl in Red (Priyanka Chopra) is all Go Lucifer Go!

9:25 pm: Random insert from Hong Kong film of  Iski Lee, Uski Lee, Sabki Lee.  Lady relatives of Bruce Lee, I presume.

9: 35 pm: BIG DADDY vs LUCIFER is on.  Actually its Khalnayak-Sanjay Dutt (doing a tapori accent for the nth time) vs the Lucifer Mobile.

9: 40 pm: Sanjay Dutt has a BIG gun. Promised myself no dick jokes.

9:45 pm: Desi Girl in Red is falling through the time-space continuum. The Khalnayak may have been castrated, he is speaking in a girl voice.

9:46 pm: It’s the teacher speaking. D’oh! it’s all a dream. Boy dreaming it needs to see a shrink if this constitutes his classroom fantasies. 

10:00 pm: Prateek the Boy’s father is a Shekhar Subramanian (Sharukh Khan), resident of London Town. Antithesis of superhero. Eats thair shaadam and says Aiyo! Has curly hair. It’s all like Mehmood wore pant shirt but kept the nariyal paaniwala accent. Seriously people we are willing to train you so you have a proper Tamil Accent!

10:10 pm:  Shekhar also Sexless Tamil Man. Meets Busty Blonde Girl.  Doesn’t want to see her tits, just her keys. We are like that only.

10:15 pm: Is that a Sam Pitroda look alike as a tech honcho? Was this movie thought up in the 90s?

10:20 pm: Sexless Tamil Man all sexy at home. Because the wife Sonia looks like Kareena K.

10:25 pm: Feminist Sonia has a day job converting swear words relating to the female anatomy to its male version. Sonia, they already EXIST, we will email you a few!

10:26 pm: Sexless Tamil Man eating curd and noodles.

10:30 pm: Pleasant thoughts on my part of setting up a Curd with Everything^TM range ranging from mild to teeth tingling sour^TM  bottled curd. Anytime anywhere your sushi/steak/Aussie pie/pizza etc. can be improved with a dash of our special curd! As Shekhar’s fingers rhythmically  mash mash also plan to rebrand Tamil cuisine. All Finger Foods^TM, Lick Them Fingers^TM – it’s all finger licking good!

11:00 pm In the meantime Prateek has been insolent, Shekhar  has done a Michael Jackson impersonation, there is a sexy teacher song, a video game was played – man, this kid seems a wee bit obsessed with villains, he might grow up to be a serial killer.  Blame it on the Sonia genes.

11:05 pm:  Sexless Tamil Man has Chinese colleague called Akashi. Insert Jackie Chan Jokes – only Chinese person us Indians know.

11:10 pm:  The Game is Afoot.  Shekhar, Jenny, Akashi making video game for Prateek. Send the insufferable child to Boot Camp instead!

11:15 pm: Bad Thing: Ra.One, Good Thing: G.One. There is a Hertz Amplifying Resonance Transmitter (HART). Yay for Science!

11:20 pm:  The game has a blue heart, a red heart and an Anti-Heart Gun (to kill exes, to inoculate against romance?).  You kill and be killed. It’s all in a lab that looks like Ajit the Loin-Hearted’s Den preserved in Liquid Oxygen.

11:25 pm: Dad and son meet the only English goon who speaks in Hindi. Sexless Tamil Man is also a coward and runs away. Resolves to make superhero game with badmash superstrong invincible villain to make up to villain fixated son.

11:30 pm: A little later the Pitroda look alike is presenting the Ra.One game in a shiny suit with satin lapels like a small town boxing promoter. 

11:35 pm: Launch party song with nary an AIYO in it. Apparently video games are launched with booty shake dances. Sonia I have no desire to see the colour of your panties. 

11:40 pm: I fear for the sanity of this film.

11:45 pm: Franken.One is showing signs of life.

11:50 pm: What the fuck. I hear the word Lucifer being bandied. Why is there a Lucifer in this homage to our beloved dear epic?!

11:55 pm: Game On! Boy Prateek as Lucifer faces off against Franken.One oops Ra.One but leaves midway. Ra.One is a J Lopez Level Diva who swears revenge for being so spurned.

11:56 pm: Did no one test the game before Prateek!

12:00 pm: Like in a 80s video arcade or bad horror film there is crackling electricity and portentous music as Shekhar and Akashi try to fix Game Gone Wild.  Game sensibly spits Ra.One out into the real world.

12:05 pm:  Now Akashi is dead and Ra.One looks like Akashi. Is this a metaphor for pan Asian rivalry?

12:10 pm: Ra.One/Akashi searching for Lucifer meets Shekhar. Who is all It’s me who is Lucifer and kapow he is dead too. Sigh, I was hoping they would disappear Prateek.

12:15 pm: Prateek is all Dad has been killed by the Game Ka Villian. Wonder Boy goes to lab with Jenny and finds that Ra.One=Akashi=Looking for Lucifer.

12:20 pm: Now there is a G.One who looks like Shahrukh Khan.

12:25 pm: G.One and Ra.One fight.  With lifted  cars. Pfft, Dharmindar BENT those cars before launching them as missiles.

12:35 pm: Just like that Ra.One is dead. And G.One is travelling to Mumbai as a pierced punk with Sonia and Prateek as their all-purpose bodyguard. The gays LURVE him. Pity the same can’t be said of audience.

12:45 pm: Why are there so many thugs at Mumbai airport? Why is Rajnikant there looking like his wax face might melt/disintegrate anytime leaving an old, bald South Indian actor?

12:50 pm: Several days later Prateek realises G.One looks like automaton Shekhar. Children too much game playing will addle your brains.  

12:55 pm: I think G.One just said Cunt Cunt Cunt Off. That’s how he says Control Off.  

12:56: G.One, Sonia and Prateek are bonding. But no I had Sex with an Automaton for the perverse.

1:05 pm: But look who’s here! Ra.One is in town for the Dusshera party (phew finally an epic nod!). He looks like Arjun Rampal. 10 heads is a LOT simpler than this endless shape shifting.

1:10 pm: Ra.One on Lucifer’s trail. Prateek is an unlikeable devil for sure.

1:15 pm: Briefly Sonia is Ra-One. Seriously.

1:25 pm: Ra-One G.One showdown!

1:26 pm: I think G.One’s crotch is on fire.  Is it matters of the HART or overheated circuitry?

1:35 pm: Ra.One is dead. So is G.One. Or alive. Or back in the game. Or cryogenically preserved for a sequel. Whatever. On the wall it says GAME OVER so it must be all over. 

1:40 pm: A few months later Prateek has revived G.One’s HART.  So not HARTed. I just wanted him G.One Baby G.One.

_*_ 

This movie must appeal to someone but for the life of me I can’t say who will actually like this bewildering mess, including the 15-25 male demographic at which such films are aimed.  The movie veers erratically from kid flick to frat boy humour to masala pichar with item songs (all equally hateful) to homage to superhero/sci-fi flicks churned out by Hollywood.  And like with most superhero movies all the tech wizardy distinctly underwhelms. And Mr. Khan, a reliably bad actor, sends the Ham-O-Meter (that’s the kind of dated American slang this movie likes) way, way off the chart here.   

And this is no updated Ramayana.  It’s more likely the result of an afternoon spent watching numerous DVDs, drinking a whole case of cheap wine until all your brain cells are soaked in alcohol and then making a movie.  Pity they weren’t handing out shots of that cheap wine to us before the film.

The Importance of Being Rancho

So I saw 3 Idiots.

Mostly I learnt that men cry, hug and piss at the drop of a trouser. Shall we see how all this unfolded? !

A plane returns to base because Farhan (Madhavan, once so cute but now needs to go a little easy on the thair shaadam eh!), is having a fake spasm of sorts. Soon he has hijacked an airport car and is on his way to meet best bud Raju (Sharman Joshi). The reason for all this is that much hated Chatur Ramalingam (Omi Vaidya) has located the other best bud, Rancchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad aka Rancho (Aamir Khan) who disappeared after graduation. Question Time! What’s common to Tams in Bollywood Films and Brits in Hollywood Films? Answer: Both sport dodgy accents and are designated DOUCHEBAGS! Chatur it appears has been harbouring deep RESENTMENT against the best buds. And is also looking for an inventor called Phansukh Wangdu (people lol, rofl, lmao at the names!), all round genius who has 400 patents to his name (your viewer was all lolwut at patents=genius!). So they are off to Simla where Rancho now lives. Why is Chatur so bitter? FLASHBACK! Time for a Boys Own Adventure where their antics will be treated with a Boys will be Fucking Boys!!

Podgy Farhan has just joined the Imperial College of Engineering and is soon rooming with Raju, he of the 100 Gods Shrine who shall bless him with Complete Examination Success. Time for RAGGING! Lots and lots of boys! Lots and lots of dropped trousers! Arse Stamping! Chatur in a bowtie and skimpy underwear! Everyone looking like an undercover overage student like Drew in Never Been Kissed! Rancho entering, Farhan looking a little smitten - Ruined Botticelli Angel who has been a tad “refreshed” – IRRESISTIBLE! But if you think up next is strobe lights, dance music, Bad Bad Rancho and Queer as Log you are wrong for this is at best a bad advertisement for Dora Underwear. Rancho doesn’t want to drop his trousers – no Tough Male Initiation Rites for the wuss! - and locks himself into a room. Time for a Bully aka Senior to ferret him out by - umm - pissing on his door. Time for a glimpse of Rancho’s native genius for he quickly rigs – double umm - an Apparatus for a Sharp Short Shock to the Scrotum of a Pissing Person! Useful given the movie has so much serial pissing!! So massive toolery all around – except perhaps in the underwear.

ViruS (Boman Irani) - he of the charming eccentricities – Listening to opera! Being shaved while listening to the opera! Taking ambidexterity to new heights! Carrying a bird in a nest! – is giving the TOUGH TALK to the overage students. And mooning over a pen designed for space. Cue a Rancho The Great moment (Reader, you are warned, there are MANY!). It is all about a pencil for space – Rancho boy you will have to do better than lifting old cosmonaut/astronaut anecdotes to establish genius!! Now ViruS his enemy for life but hey ViruS join the queue, we can’t stand a smug smart arse either! Also joining the queue - the Prof in the next scene who is – triple umm - predictably unzipping his trousers! Another Rancho the Great moment - don’t beat us over the head with his genius, folks! And I forget - there is a parallel track of Chatur, Obnoxious Teacher's Pet for each such moment.  

Now time for obligatory creative student crushed by the forces of college bit for beware ViruS the Villain is at large, he will fuck you over, destroy all hope, crush your spirit and spit you out a ghost of a man! Oh note that the student is a Lobo so he gets to sing an English song! Also another song where the bogs are like something out a product catalogue – check out the red doors, the smooth granite! Soon Lobo is quite DEAD and hey a Rancho invention is there to record the moment! And Rancho has a most revolutionary thought – all student suicides are MURDERS! The blood of our nation’s youth is on our Professors hands! For this ViruS puts him on the spot and time for another Rancho The Great moment accompanied by a homily - though oy any dimwit can spot what Farhanitrate and Prerajulisation is! Also time for ViruS’ favourite activity – writing letters to parents! Farhan’s are the aspirational sort, Raju’s the poor wanting a better life. And both are very UNHAPPY so the 3 idiots are soon cruising the streets. So of course time for the Boys will be Fucking Boys to crash a wedding. Oh look ViruS has a daughter Pia (Kareena Kapoor). She has spectacles, she is INTELLIGENT! But has a fiancé who is very very devoted to BRANDS! Hot Chick with Douchebag or Closeted with Beard? The Jury is OUT!

Soon ViruS is giving Raju and Farhan a valuable piece of advice – they are have nots while Rancho is a HAVE! So he can do ANY fuckery he wishes! The life of the genteel poor on the other hand, fucked but no fuckery allowed! Soon all pants down for a discussion and Raju in open rebellion against Rancho and rooming with Chatur. But Farhan still smitten, the man does adore a ruined Botticelli angel!

Anyway Boys will be Fucked up Boys! So a plan is hatched up to “rescue” Raju from Chatur’s clutches. This involves a tiny switch in Chatur’s speech for an Important Occasion. Sort of like putting a spider in a classmate’s desk in Std. 5 when the School Inspector comes visiting. Clever! Also Chatur not knowing Hindi – both HILARIOUS and a CRIME – we must all be proficient in the Rashtra Bhasha! The word in question in India’s Most Famous Speech after Kitne Aadmi The is balatkar. The Rape Word – guaranteed laugh riot! Naturally Chatur all stroppy and vows REVENGE! Oooh FISTFIGHT!!! But no, just drunk people promising to be successes 10 years later. An Apparatus for a Sharp Short Shock to the Plot badly needed!

But we commence a Romance Fuckery Plot in which Rancho manages to divest Pia of the Brand Whore Douchebag/Closeted Fiance and get it on with him instead. Does anyone care about this unsexy romance? NO! Can we have a Time Travelling Device back to 50s Sluttery?! NOW! But halt. We must not forget the mission of this film, to establish that Rancho aka Aamir Khan is Great and Can Do No Wrong! Weird hospital track (hey nice Fortis product placement there, brand whoredom much!) involving Raju’s father. Raju also smitten by the ruined Botticelli angel so he CRIES (Sam Taylor-Wood, you are needed!) and HUGS Rancho.

Your viewer is now suffering from infinite tedium. Also never has a movie stuffed itself with SO MANY unsexy men. That’s it! I am wandering off on my very own Sapphic fantasy track! Indulge me till I return!

Exam results out - Quelle Surprise! Raju and Farhan bottom of class, Rancho a topper! Green Monster! Class Photograph! A Bet! If Raju and Farhan get a job, ViruS will shave off his moustache. Not that we care, a moustache less ham is still a ham! Plus the only good ham is Jon Hamm!

TEDIUM REIGNS. Also the back and forth now very confusing. Sapphic fantasies aren’t helping. Neither is Mr. Hamm. Time to keep company with Tall, Dark and Handsome Mr. Pinot Noir methinks and to hell with the chronology.

Back in the present our boys are in Simla (And a man is snapping 5 burqa ladies, wtf what was that about?!) and at Rancho’s mansion. Rancho’s dad is dead, also Rancho is not Rancho. Sooper Plot Twist, machan!

Some absurd fuckery, cuntery, sluttery, drunkery (God I feel SO much better just using those words!) ends in a dare (Boys will be Fucking Boys!). Rancho is trying to get into Pia’s bedroom, also some very strange stuff with a sister and a baby and all is well! OK, PISSING alert, this time its Raju spraying ViruS’ Wall! Time for ViruS’s second favourite thing after writing letters to parents! RUSTICATION! Out sails Raju though ViruS’ window to the strains of opera. Oh Raju, you really shouldn’t have done that!!!! For now we have to sit through more weird hospital scenes and CRYING and HUGGING and Rancho The Great.

Oh good here’s Mr. Shiraz, a super smooth sort from South Australia - only a ménage a trois will get me though this!

There is some bit about Farhan becoming a wildlife photographer and talking to his dad about it and TEARS! And Raju getting a job in spite of failing so more TEARS! ViruS now without a moustache. CRY, CRY, CRY! HUG, HUG, HUG! DROP TROUSERS! Rancho Tussi Great Ho!

Some backstory fuckery in which the fake Rancho is established as a boy prodigy and genius who would put Mozart to shame. Nothing to see here, move along.

Ongoing ViruS Villainy involving an exam paper and its theft. Does anyone care! A thousand times, a resounding NO! ViruS also “murdered” his son apparently. Boo Hoo.

Oh God no, ViruS don’t let us down, we could have so got together and given Rancho the bumps and tied the fucktard up, put stones in his pockets and thrown him into a river for good! But Sad Sad Day - here he is acknowledging Rancho The Great. This involves floods, the birth of a baby and a vacuum pump. All like some ghastly chapter in a management text book with big signposts to instances of ingenuity, teamwork, blah blah blah. All topped with CRYING. Will this child who shall hear the story of Uncle Rancho's Method for Delivering a Baby every single fucking day of his life be an Anti-Rancho? One lives in hope!

Anyhow back in the present, inexplicably Pia is getting married to the Brand Whore. Who is wearing a pink robe and pink slippers. And listening to Opera. Douchebag AND Closeted! Quelle Surprise! Pia does a runner.

Then we are all in Ladakh where we get further proof of Rancho the School Teacher’s ingenuity bringing joy and progress to poor Ladakhians (what the hell is the man inventing anyway, Permanently Keeping Cheese From Yak Milk?). So everyone gets to meet up because of the reappearance of both Pissing and the Apparatus for a Sharp Short Shock to the Scrotum of a Pissing Person and it winds its way to its predictable End. When I wake up I think- If 3 Idiots was male, I would definitely be applying that Apparatus to its Scrotum. PRONTO. Though  an old fashioned short, sharp kick to its backside would do just as well.

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India’s most popular movie it appears is a mash up of 101 Jokes for all occasions, self-help books and a smattering of Edward de Bono. Its like being stuck in a training course for middle management where you are allowed to fondly recall the last time you were properly alive, aka in college, and made to believe that the rainbow of alternate existence in which you are totally going to be CREATIVE and LOVE your WORK is around the corner. It will no doubt be conducted by Rancho The Great.

If you stick to the very end, it will also make you Vote for Rote.