Once Upon A Time in Lucknow

So I saw Chaudhvin Ka Chand.

This movie is part of a now dead genre, the Muslim Social. As such it is like watching something moth balled surfacing into the bright light, an anachronism but one so forgotten that it is not as dreadful as you thought. It also stars Fat Flashman who started as a joke but I have grown fond of him! Here his Book of Nawabi Tehzeeb serves him ill so we hope he is back in his red boudoir in his next outing:-) And away we go with our pictorial guide:

First let me say I love Censor Board certificates and totally think they should be on Tees and personalised and mine is going to be a certificate for Fat Flashman’s Lady in which I shall star as his Lady.  Dream, dream, sigh. Anyway coming back to the movie, Fat Flashman is a rich nabob called Nawab/Pyare Mian (Rehman) and he hangs out a fair bit with a bloke called Shazia (Johnny Walker) who is the kind of chap whose entire purpose in life is to loiter in the bazaars, chat up lines in hand, in search of comely ladies.  The ladies of Lucknow are all demure and shit though - unless they are old in which case they talk to strange men and don’t bother to shut the hatch. 

Jameela (Waheeda Rehman) here however has a propensity to remove her veil at all inopportune moments and here she is doing just that.  Nawab who until then has been reciting chapter and verse of Nawabi Tehzeeb to Shaiza the Sleaze suddenly forgets himself when he sees Jameela and is all happy and shit and thinking yay yay One True Pairing (OTP) and can't take his eyes of her and perhaps that smile is a bit creepy and Jameela thinks he is a perve and down goes the veil. Soon she is lost in the crowd and you are thinking fuck life was hard for the Truehearts of Lucknow. 

Nawab’s sister is around so its LADIES PARTY TIME! OTP Jameela rocks along to the party and just so you know that this is not an OTP, spies Nawab’s picture and calls him an ugly fool. And he spots her and hears this and is totes happy because everyone knows in lady talk ugly fool=Love Ya! OTP!  Meanwhile the ladies are all singing and eye rolling and Nawab is spying and hey has totally discarded that Tehzeeb Book.

What with spying and chasing Jameela, Nawab ends up with a piece of her dupatta.  And his lady maid is going to find out who the dupatta belongs to! Exciting! Only Jameela exchanges the dupatta with a friend. Everyone does this right, I myself have a stock of other ladies duppatas! So the lady maid gets it all wrong. Meanwhile Shaiza and Super Dost, Aslam (Guru Dutt) come along and Nawab is YAY boys now I want to fling fucking red hearts all around because I found my OTP!!  Also looks like Lucknowi Tehzeeb likes its lady servants unveiled.

This here is Nawab’s mother. All her dialogues consist of tumhari shaadi bas ho jaye, man it must be VERY TEDIOUS to be an old lady actor.  She’s found a match, the daughter of the maulvi but Nawab is no maulvi girls will stand between me and my OTP!! But nope the mom has promised the maulvi. So off he goes to meet Super Dost to convince him to marry The Maulvi’s Daughter. Turns out its Nawab who is the super dost who has helped Aslam a great deal.  I  am all mixed feelings here R, should I stay loyal to Fat Flashman or is that Aslam daku moustache a bit menacing or what? I feel the slightest degree of a swoon!

Nawab here has opened his book and figured out the correct gesture to be made per tehzeeb when trying to shut up a friend singing your praises and we can both agree he looks Stoopid. But let's abandon Aslam too since both are being all tehzeeby and deciding that Aslam gets to marry the Maulvi’s daughter. If you don’t know who the Maulvi’s daughter is, aap Hindi Cinema ki pariksha mein fail!

Soon Aslam is having a fancy schmancy wedding through which we have to Suffer the Shaiza and then he is in a non-red boudoir strictly meant for the ladies amongst us who like gauze, pink, moonlight, shairi – that is not us – and then its veil lifting time and this here is his bride.  You may please stop reading if you hadn’t like guessed the bride by now.

Meanwhile Nawab chasing the wrong dupatta thinks that this lady here is his OTP inamorta and manages to arrange a meeting. Except the lady gets all scared by the way too ardent admirer. Meanwhile Aslam is doing some boudoir seduction and while as 20 year olds we might have sat before TVs and been swoon swoon over Chaudhvin ka Chand Ho, now you are thinking does a song really need THAT many fucking similies?

So the wrong OTP inamorata doesn’t turn up and Nawab gets beaten up and the friends turn up to rally his spirits, keep your chin up lad, Mystery Lady shall soon be yours! Then they are all in a market place and Shaiza is in disguise all the better to trap the ladies.  Ladies, never trust a beard. 

Is Jameela a tease? She is forever unveiling herself in bazaars. And exchanging stuff, this time the burqa with this girl here. Shaiza who knows she is Nawab’s OTP but not Aslam’s wife, clicks a picture. And here’s the thing, THERE IS NO FUCKING FURTHER MENTION OF THIS PICTURE. I must now add that to IMDB bloopers. 

That burqa exchange means Aslam now thinks Mystery Lady is his relative and arranges a match between her and Nawab.  Meanwhile Shaiza seems to be sweet on a dancing lady who is – relief – unveiled. Though I have no idea why he gets around in this disguise like ALL THE TIME. 

Here’s Jameela again, a woman who clearly doesn’t know how to use her veil appropriately because she has rocked up to the front door of her house WITHOUT WEARING ONE! Nawab comes in and thinks she is the relative he is getting married to and is all refined Nawabi glee and this is getting on my nerves and I need to calm myself with a dose of Fucking Fat Flashman (though not perhaps the way I put it here as he is quite dead) but I will soon be back. 

But Aslam knows otherwise and is yay I am the Tragedy King and can now be sunk in gloom and look tortured because I know my best mate has his mitts on my wife and would like nothing more than to fuck her. Jameela - who STILL doesn't know that Nawab wants her badly - is all fuck my veil-less opening of doors has served me ill and there is nothing left to do but weep and mope. 

Is there something creepy in going to look at an erotic dance by your best mate’s girl in order to get your wife to want to divorce you so she can marry your super dost? Looks like Lucknowi Nawabi Tehzeeeb says no. But the friends are deeply concerned by the ruinous ways of Aslam. And that’s not another Shaiza disguise, he’s got himself a police job all the better to fancy the ladies.

Aslam's kotha hopping results in Jameela’s tough brothers rocking up and Aslam is all I will divorce your sister only you MUST re-marry her to Nawab. Jameela is not like Fuck why Nawab but I will never ever leave you. So that’s the end of Bad Aslam In Search of A Divorce for the sake of His Best Friend. But Aslam Super Dost has to do something so that Nawab gets his girl and that there is how you look when you are planning your own death.

Meanwhile Nawab is all set to marry the wrong girl but rushes off to pick up Aslam because he hasn’t bothered to turn up for the wedding party because well he is planning to die remember.  And inexplicably Aslam is not wife, disrobe at once, but wife dress up in wedding finery one last time.  I am beginning to have doubts about this Tehzeeb book. Though of course its helpful Jameela didn’t disrobe because like Nawab comes over and realises that his OTP IS ASLAM'S WIFE! 

Poor Nawab is all shattered when he thinks of all the lust filled days that came to naught and what could have been if he had said yes to the Maulvi’s daughter. I am afraid I was distracted by the velvet and embroidered hearts, don’t you fancy a man who is not scared of sequins?!

The Tehzeeb Book apparently said Shame on You for Lusting After Another's Wife! So poor Nawab  chooses Death by Diamonds and looking at that picture you know greater love has no man etc. and we have finally finally arrived at the correct OTP! Yay! And Aslam is all Jameela, enough of this unveiling shit, put that thing down RIGHT NOW! And Jameela STILL doesn't know what the fuck happened. 

And now that it is over Fat Flashman, you may please go back to The Sadist's Handbook and drinking games.

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I expected to have lots of eyeroll moments given the theme of Chaudhvin Ka Chand but given everything it wasn't half bad.  I say this often but the way dialogue is written and delivered makes a difference and here it lends a natural flow to the film.  The film is also slightly ambiguous, ostensibly an ode to the culture of Lucknow its neither very flamboyant nor does it particularly milk its dramatic moments. Something else seems to flow beneath its surface though its not a critique of the culture either. If it is an ode, it comes across as a faintly subversive ode to Lucknow. As it stands, it seems intended to be a homage to male friendship, both on screen and off given the three actors worked together in a number of films. 

Anita and the Woman Question

So I saw Mr and Mrs 55.

This is yet another Guru Dutt flick where he is a sweet little cupcake with lots of flinty bits so that the eating is not as enjoyable as that cute exterior may make you believe. And it deals with that Great Assault on the Holy Edifice of Hindu Marriage aka Divorce! In this film the cupcake finds himself facing the tragic prospect of losing the super beauteous Madhubala. Away we go!

In 1955 the Hindu Marriage Act is likely to be passed paving the way for divorce under certain conditions. Simply put the ANGREZI VIRUS has been let loose on good Hindu society! And the foremost proponent of this Bill is a Ms Sita Devi (Lalita Pawar) aka RICH BITCH FEMINIST whom we first meet in the middle of a meeting with fellow travellers. Women of the World you Rock, you are Awesome! One minute you are discussing the Bill, the next the world’s best facials! For let it be said NOW. Wrinkles have NO place in the revolution!

Just at the moment Sita Devi is savouring her triumph, her niece – lovely spoilt heiress and orphan Anita Verma (Madhubala) - sneaks out of the house to lustily cheer on her heartthrob of the moment, Ramesh, who is playing the most leisurely tennis match in history. If Anita was on Facebook she would have liked every page dedicated to hunky sports stars and littered their pages with Eeek, so cute! I DIE! HOTTTTTT! Marry me! I want your babies! ☻/ღ˚ •。* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 。* °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ 。/▌*˛˚ღ •˚ ˚…just sprinkling a little LOVE on your pages. ~♥~˚ ✰* ★ / \ ˚. ★ *˛ ˚♥* ✰。˚ ˚ღ。* ˛˚ ♥ 。✰˚* ˚ ★ღ ~...:)~ ♥ etc. Sita Devi on the other hand…..well if she ever joined Facebook it would be to promote her book On the Forthcoming Eradication of the Male of the Species. This is why Sita Devi has sent out trusted lieutenant Mona to remove Anita from the scene of her complete abasement.

Anita spots Mona and in a frantic bid to escape tumbles into the arms of our sweet cupcake Pritam Kumar (Guru Dutt). Pritam is entranced and in instant pyaar. For let’s face it, Ms Anita is all perfection, like an irresistible piece of the purest chocolate nom nom nom that cupcakes can only aspire to. So Anita is all eyes for Ramesh, Pritam is all eyes for Anita, Ramesh is all eyes on the ball but all must part for such is young love! But Pritam recovers a token of his lady love, a handkerchief setting the scene for future hanky panky (can a girl resist a bad bad pun?!).

Pritam then runs into old friend Johnny (Johnny Walker) off whom as a struggling unemployed artist he is mooching. SONG FUCKERY! Oh Pritam, we understand we understand, Ms Anita makes us want to bust out a tune too!

Pritam is kadka, de rigueur for cupcakes, and renting with a fat landlady (Tuntun). Some elaborate charade fuckery establishes cupcake cuteness and Pritam wins a rent reprieve. In the meantime, Anita gets a dressing down from Sita Devi who warns her against the supreme EVILITY, the veritable EVILISHNESS, the awful EVILDOM that is the male. For the Aunt has been SCORCHED and wants to protect Anita, lover of all things boys.

Anita is to inherit fucking tons of money at age 21. Which is like the next day. Time to open the will! Will stipulates that she will inherit only on the condition that she marries within the year. Because the dead dad knew his EVIL BITCH SISTER wants to keep Anita a spinster. So happy happy Anita runs off to the swimming pool. Watch girls in swimsuits! Watch shapely legs! Watch the cheesecake! Watch everyone singing a song! For Anita is free at last for Ramesh Romance Fuckery! Ladies ladies patience! You shall have some perve time too! Uh huh it’s just plank of wood Ramesh in briefs. Oh Anita its not too late, perhaps a soft cupcake is better, eh?!

Anita has a “Future Mrs Ramesh” T shirt on but Ramesh is not taking the hint for he is ummm like thick wood all over. Besides he is off to Wimbledon and the dirty dirty pleasures of Paris. But Anita cannot be fobbed off and arranges a rendezvous with him in a cinema theatre.

Johnny Fuckery! Johnny, newspaper shutterbug, is quite the ladies man who woos women with….lollipops. Here he is laying some thick thick charm on new girl, Julie. But it’s all cut short for Johnny needs to take some professional piccies of his old mate Ramesh poolside. They get talking, Ramesh agrees to get Parisian dirty pictures for Johnny and Johnny agrees to meet Anita and hand over Ramesh’s letter . Which says “Anita I like you but I don’t like you THAT way”. I am calling it, GEIGH!

The cupcake, who is a cartoonist, is up to his usual “I am a fabulous artist and yet tragically unemployed”. He does have a sweet Editor though who reviews his work. The Ed knows RICH BITCH FEMINIST Sita Devi who has hatched a plan to keep the niece flying solo and yet inherit by hiring a faux husband who can be divorced. The Ed sends Pritam along for the job. Pritam first throws a hissy fit at the idea of being a bikau husband. Until he spots a pic of the proposed wife who is of course Anita. Then Pritam is all UNBELIEVABLE! FUCK! YES YES YES! FIST PUMP!

Pritam is still living by the credo of unsung artists. MOOCH OFF YOUR FRIENDS! So somewhere along the way Pritam ends up with the cinema ticket and a meeting with Anita. Anita now has Ramesh’s note and is all sobbing and ooh more Pritam hanky panky! Pritam thinking I am totes going to be married to this girl in a few days. Anita busy updating facebook status – Ramesh, you are a COLOSSAL DICK! And I am not getting any of it! It’s unfair!

Sidetrack. Johnny and the Office Charmer are going swimmingly; all lollipops are now going her way. Heck they even get to sing a lunch time song, Chak De Mera Lollipop – oops no that is from Mr and Mrs 95 starring Govinda and Karishma – this one is just OFFICE FLIRT TIME! Shall we kiss, shall we lose our hearts? On the typewriter or under the desk?!

RICH BITCH FEMINIST Sita Devi has deigned to enter male lodgings so Pritam can sign off on “I shall be married for a fraction of a moment to the supremely beauteous Anita and then shall waive all marital rights but that’s OK because that moment will be HEAVEN”. Also such scintillating conversation between them!

Sita Devi: Tum communist ho?

Pritam: Nahin, cartoonist.

More serendipitous Pritam-Anita meets. LUSH LADY SINGING A SONG! Time for the gradual transference of Anita’s hormonal impulses from Ramesh to Pritam!

Sita Devi informs Anita of her Rs 250 a month faux bridegroom. Anita is all upset and then OK whatever because well there’s the fortune to be inherited. Anita and Pritam get ready for their tryst with matrimony at the courthouse where Anita is fuck me I didn’t see that coming, the bridegroom is Pritam! She is deeply annoyed to think he is less lovelorn and more lalchi but we soon have Mr and Mrs Pritam Singh and Sita Devi is like OK Tata Bye Bye and don’t bother us anymore and just keep cashing the cheques.

The marriage is lucky for Pritam for he gets a job as a cartoonist. So irate and wife less Pritam draws an unflattering cartoon of Sita Devi. More rich bitch feminist drama when Sita Devi sees the cartoon. Everyone all together DOWN WITH FEMINISM! Also time for Pritam, Johnny and Julie celebrations where they run into Anita who is a friend of Julie. Anita is still stroppy and is waltzing with strange men who are not her lawful husbands while Pritam sulks in the sidelines. Now Johnny and Julie know that the two are married.

Johnny now imparting advice to Pritam on how to woo back Anita. A fooled chauffeur later, Anita and Pritam are off to the countryside. Sort of like a nice sweet Mills and Boon called FORCIBLE HONEYMOON. But enroute there is the FOREPLAY SONG of the She is Pouty, He is Lusty sort. The forcible honeymoon (not really forcible, the cupcake is a gentleman and knows that eventually all women BEG for his love) is ummm at Pritam’s bro’s place. His sister in law is a adarsh nari, an ANTI RICH BITCH FEMINIST with three kids. Who like plucks flower petals. You know of the sort He beats me, He beats me not, He just beat me for Oooh he loves me so! Anita is soon convinced that happiness lies in having a husband, kids and some gentle slapping. Oh good here’s the LET’s HAVE SEX song! Triple Yay for 50s sluttery where everyone looks like they will have a month long fuck once the cameras are turned off! But just as they are about to tumble into bed, Sita Devi turns up because Anita – before you know deeply desiring some gently rough sex - sent her a telegram screaming RESCUE ME! So Pritam gets all sulky and hearts are ASUNDERED. RICH BITCH FEMINISTS, implacable enemies of TRUE LOVE!

Now Pritam is all I can’t slap Anita to stay married and I am FUCKING NOBLE and I will provide grounds for a divorce. Yippee its Man Slut Picture Time where Pritam gets to hang out with two dames and an alcohol bottle! Pritam hands the photograph over as evidence to Sita Devi. Who passes it on to Anita who is all sob sob but this time there is no cute Pritam hanky panky. Also time to fulfil SAD SONG quota requirement. Plus Pritam is still kadka as FUCKING NOBILITY demands he return all those uncashed cheques.

BRING ON THE DIVORCE! LET’S DESTROY HINDU SOCIETY!

Time for a court case and some blah stuff about women, society, inequality, marriage, sanctity blah blah so that you almost expect Fat Flashman to turn up and whisk Anita off for his debauched games while Pritam walks off into a sunset with a floozy. Hey Fat Flashman can you also arrange for Fat Lady Debauchery – we can’t stand the landlady’s tone deaf comedy fuckery!

Anita is all oh no I am soon to be a SAD DIVORCEE! And Pritam plans to leave town so Johnny and Julie meet Anita and tell her that the slut pic was staged. Time for showdown with the RICH BITCH FEMINIST aunt and Anita is all like yay yay yay I am standing up for myself and now I shall fall at Pritam’s feet and we will keep a dear little house and sit around drinking darling cups of misogyny topped up with romance fuckery. Rich Bitch Feminist Aunt is not one to give up and locks Anita up in the service of feminism but she escapes. And hey here is the Airport scene where Pritam looks like he has flown but has not and Anita is sobbing and ooh look Pritam has a ready hanky and so we arrive dear reader with society INTACT and the movie is all FUCK YOU Divorce Bill and FUCK YOU RICH BITCH FEMINISTS because the Bhartiya Nari wants nothing to do with you so go sit in a corner and do not speak EVER for you have been VERY VERY NAUGHTY!

Curious about the title? Go here.

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There is the Guru Dutt who makes films that are charming, coherent and naturalistic in tone (though the dialogue here is by Abrar Alvi it is clear the man knew how to assemble and keep a loyal, gifted team). There is the Guru Dutt who is on top form when filming song sequences. And whose films are sweet, believable odes to Mumbai and its people. But there is also the Guru Dutt who brings a heavy hand to themes of social justice. And is a regressive traditionalist when it comes to gender.

A good part of this film is the former Guru Dutt. But it is blazingly misogynistic. Of course art forms are not required to be purged of misogyny. But there is something unpleasant in the Guru Dutt take, perhaps more so because of his otherwise progressive politics.

If you set aside the misogyny it is because of Madhubala who transcends both the cloying cuteness and the notes of servility that is required of her role so that she seems a naive, sheltered girl opening up to the possibilities of love. Plus Guru Dutt and she are a very easy on the eye pairing in what is essentially a romantic comedy. This was the only movie they did together which is a pity because they seem ideal for screwball comedies.

Trouble is a Tapori's Business

A second Guru Dutt movie, this time Aar Paar.

And it’s hard to snark about an amusing and breezy Bombay trifle so shall we take an amiable PG romp through it?!

We start with a police station where it is punishment for petty crims day and all the wicked sharps and sleazes are milling around awaiting their ten lashes and gruel. Amongst them a naïf sort is worried he is in for it thanks to sneaking a few smokos. He is soon before the Man and it turns out his name is Kalu Birju (Guru Dutt). Uh huh, shall we rechristen him KB?! The Man turns out to be a soft sort who has decided to send KB back into the world on account of his good behaviour. KB pretty thrilled and soon establishing that he is the smart aleck tapori sort that you only find in Bombay movies. Before he leaves Qaidi No 114 draws him aside and asks him to go and meet the Captain and deliver the message, Kaale Badal Mein Bijli, Badi Tasveer Saaf Kar Dena. That’s totally my next password.

Out in the world he meets up with his ex taxi boss who has sent him to the slammer for nothing worse than an accident. Ex taxi boss unrepentant so KB all shaking fists and shaanya lines. And then jauntily off only to trip over someone fixing a car. KB being an abrasive sort pulls out the trousered fellow only to discover it’s a very pretty girl Nikki (Shyama). KB all taporiness and Nikki all annoyed but of course also a little smitten-I totally get her falling for that fur cap (!) and knotted kerchief. Cue random construction worker song and urchin dancing - haven’t we all been thus romanced - yay for the singing peasantry of India! Soon Nikki drives off and KB goes to meet his sister. But the B-i-L is all huffy about KB’s prison stint so KB has to leave. Then KB runs into one of the dancing urchins who rejoices in the name Elaichi Pehalwan (a young Jagdeep) –awesome we are so keeping this name! - and soon they have exchanged hardscrabble tales and are sleeping under Bombay’s smoky sky.

The next day KB spots Nikki’s car and wanders in and is all lippy with Nikki’s Punju dad for KB’s coat is in Nikki’s car. Time for Nikki-KB sparring that is so going to lead to sacha pyaar! KB, smart lad, also pataoes the Dad and soon has a job and a bed at the garage. Now KB off to meet the Captain. But who cares about the Captain when you have the Moll (Shakila)! Especially when the Moll is in a dress that crosses flounces and chiffon with a tight Bavarian choli! Time for the vamp item number and time for strong, sensible men to be reduced to blithering idiots! But the Moll is looking at KB and totally thinking that is one delicious cupcake. A delicious cupcake with a mean fist and a wicked mouth i.e. After bashing up a patron putting the moves on the Moll, KB is also all No Captain, No Message and walks away from her.

The next day the Moll along with sidekick Rustam (Johnny Walker) is at the only garage in Bombay, namely Nikki’s. The Moll wants the car fixed. Uh huh sexual innuendo time! Moll all like can you thoroughly check out, rehaul and tune all my parts – way too much sex in Hindi movies! - KB the tease only checking the car plus Nikki and Moll catfight is in the air. Rustam, good man, still has his eye on the job and transfers the car contraband to a taxi but the Moll decides to leave the car in the garage for repairs.

Nikki’s Dad likes long running chess games with a Qazi. And so Nikki having a lot of time for pyaar vyaar! See Nikki teaching KB English (bizarrely the words are FAT.GIRL.LOVE)! See Nikki and KB fixing fuses! See Nikki and KB whistling! See Nikki and KB singing a song! See Nikki looking like a saucy little minx in mechanic overalls and KB looking like a sinfully delectable cupcake! Watch them as they are prettily framed by the car! And watch as KABOOM they are in love and kissing behind a column! But oh no sprung by Dad who inexplicably wandered away from the chess game. But KB lad all unrepentant and quite quite lippy with Dad. So KB back on street and out of a job. Time for a bed under the stars with Elaichi who promises to be his cleaner once KB gets a taxi to drive. Also KB's chances with Nikki further nixed as the police drop by the garage on a tip off to check the Moll’s car. And Dad and Nikki now know that KB has taken in some jail air. So that’s that no more kissing behind columns.

Finally the Captain (Bir Sakhuja) is in the Building! And looking like a suited greasy stockbroker bhav copy in hand. No wonder the Moll wants a KB tuning! Captain annoyed with his flunkeys including No. 1 and No. 2 for botching the last bank job. Also Captain is being tailed by the police thanks to the car left in Nikki’s garage by the Moll that has been traced to him. Now KB turns up yet again to deliver Qaidi No. 114’s message. Time for Rustam’s Parsi Patois comedy routine! Then a door painted with decadent Victorians (I so don’t need a Fat Flashman reminder!) and into the Captain’s lair. Lippy lippy KB uh huh Boy has Bombay Attitude in spades! But also stupid stupid KB for Captain offers him a taxi on the condition that it is available when required by the Captain and KB agrees. Also Moll can’t wait to eat the delicious cupcake that is KB but the tease is still not putting out!

Now KB has a taxi and Elaichi a cleaning job. KB goes off to give lady love Nikki a spin but she is not giving the time of her day to a crim. So KB hauls her off to the police station and the Man assures her he is a good sort and gives him an actual character certificate. Clearly the golden age of policing. Now a spin through the streets of Mumbai and car song and Nikki all remorseful and KB all petulant before being manoed. A man can get away with so much when he is a wicked sweet cupcake!

KB now consorting with the Captain and his crims – his taxi is the getaway vehicle - and in a heist dry run that is quite, quite botched up by No. 1, No. 2 and Rustam. Captain is thunderous and furious and we must do better! But inexplicably now time for Nikki to perve on a shirtless KB by arriving unannounced at his house only to find him bathing. Nikki not doing the horizontal tango with shirtless KB (where is the Moll when you need her!) but inexplicably only making plans to set up house. Also inexplicably KB confesses his desire to marry Nikki to the Moll who suggests he elope if the Dad does not agree. And indeed Dad all deeply annoyed at KB’s marriage proposal. So naturalment KB all attitude, lippy and annoying and making poor Nikki chose between him and Dad. So Nikki plans to elope with him at midnight - always a good hour for elopement! But Dad at his never ending chess game interspersed with comments to prevent daughter’s elopement like Nikki is such a dutiful daughter, discussing lafangas who left their lovers etc. So Nikki not going anywhere and KB’s plan chaupat. Time to take himself off to the Moll but Moll singing a song on The Secret Pain and Unhappiness of Molls. KB totally not taking this opportunity to be the Moll’s Comfort Pillow for the sweet cupcake is still a little in love with Nikki. Awww!

Time for another random song in which KB gets to sing love murdabad with various women. Whatever. Also time for more of the Rustam Parsi Patois comedy track where Rustam, the girlfriend, the fat mom, and siblings go to a zoo and Rustam has a very difficult time getting some nookie time before managing the Johnny Walker Item Song. Whatever. Meanwhile another heist and contraband being thrown off a suburban train, no less! And KB finds a few bullets in contraband! Man is in deep shit but oblivious, however Elaichi is doing his best to get him back on track and lands up at the Captain’s adda Nikki in tow. Where KB is lounging around with the Moll – it appears that the Moll Tuning is finally going well! So well that KB spurns Nikki for spurning him and Nikki is singing the Sad Version of Happy Song.

KB now investigating further and finds that boxes thrown from trains totally do not contain Lifebuoy even if this is indicated on the carton but may contain bullets. Tubelight KB! Now KB as usual being lippy and showing attitude to the Captain and announcing he is walking away. Captain is all my darling sweet cupcake you ain't going anywhere and has him trussed up and orders Rustam to kill KB. Rustam very unhappy because this means a lifetime in the slammer sans his sweetie with the fat mom and annoying siblings. And the Moll is all over her trussed up cupcake and suggesting they elope, she seems a bit fixated on elopments eh! But KB is all I am a wicked sweet delicious cupcake that shall be touched only by saucy Nikki’s lips. Now the Moll is totally over the fool and suggests to the Captain that kidnapping Nikki may be the way to get KB to get on with the heist as opposed to ummm killing him. Because it’s just so hard to find a driver! So Nikki and Elaichi are kidnapped! Nikki and Moll are now in a farmhouse 30 miles away while Elaichi is quite trussed up and No. 2 is left in charge.

Time for another amateur bank robbery heist with KB in the getaway car. But Rustam decides to turn straight so off he goes with KB to rescue Nikki. No. 1 and henchmen give chase but Rustam is quite the match for them. As he is for the farmhouse crims. Good Man Rustam! Nikki and KB now reunited! But the Moll escapes and now Captain is around too and time for jungle shootout that empties every bit of ammunition the Captain has ever had! Also oy here’s to a Moll gaily shooting at the object of her spurned affections as opposed to copping a few of her own saving him! Meanwhile Elaichi has given No. 2 the slip and is here with the Police who arrive just in time in the last frame of the film! So it’s off to the slammer for the Captain and the Moll though the Captain is so going to work the Kaale Badal Mein Bijli, Badi Tasveer Saaf Kar Dena messages. Now Nikki’s Dad is here too and all contrite so here we are at the end and its curtains and sexy time for our saucy minx and hot and delicious cupcake!

And with that, I have exceeded my normal quota of Hindi movies by about 4. So next review break ke baad!

A tiny dedication - this post for my grandfather, who is much missed.

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I am not sure if Aar Paar is the first of the kind of movies that are familiar in Hindi cinema. It's release date of 1954 suggests that its liberal employment of Mumbai patois and its mix of big city noir, gangster culture, the shootout climax, inventive framing of shots and youthful romance must have been a fresh take for its time - and it retains this freshness. Its possibly the first of the crim-com genre and pretty much most of the cast is on good form here and the songs for the most part are pleasant, infectious interludes. This is an exuberant if slight film that is essentially a love letter to Bombay (it’s possible the streets were cleared for shooting but the city looks spacious and empty) and entirely different in tone from the films that Guru Dutt made later. It gets so much right that its faults are best ignored.

The Sorrows of Young Vijay

So I saw Pyaasa.

And it’s hard to deconstruct a movie that takes itself so seriously and is relentlessly downbeat. But we will give this arduous task a spin, shall we?!

Vijay (Guru Dutt) is a poet. We know this because he is dreamily sprawled under a tree thinking delicate, beautiful thoughts about the birds and the bees (not sex, put away your dirty minds!). Then a foot and a crushed insect ooh so symbolic! Vijay all upset and walks away. That Vijay - just so SENSITIVE!

Next scene at publishers' - aka some harassed bloke who runs a rag - to whom Vijay has handed over his poems. Publisher is a bit of a piece and tells Vijay he wants poems on wine, women and the lot and Vijay’s poems not quite the thing. Fair enough, eh Vijay, the man has a paper to sell! But no, Vijay throwing a hissy fit and demanding the return of his poems. But they are in the wastepaper basket - oh cruel, cruel world! Vijay all ATTITUDE and walks off in a hissy fit. There, there Vijay, man up, we have all been there! Vijay then runs into Maa and nephew in the market and tries to avoid them as he is unemployed and down. Maa drags him home for ghar ka khana but his two nasty brothers are all up in arms about his freeloading. Now Vijay again looking for his poems. And again poems absent, sent off to the raddi! Vijay throwing another hissy fit at this CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD THAT CANNOT RECOGNISE HIS BEAUTIFUL NATURE. Now Vijay off to meet a friend for a bed for the night. And I am thinking DRINKING GAME! DRINK as Vijay is being serially fucked by the world! Friend offers him a bed but suddenly a girl turns up and its lady screwing time for him and Vijay has to leave looking like a wounded bird. DRINK! And mate, don’t grudge your friends a root!

Then Vijay sitting on a bench and contemplating a night under the stars. Girl on bench starts singing - yes that’s how street prostitutes land a Joe! Now Vijay is following her and an entire song later Gulabo (Waheeda Rehman) realises that Vijay has no money and merely wants to quiz her on her song. She chases him away -DRINK! - and then finds a piece of paper he has dropped. Oh Vijay, always leaving poems everywhere! Gulabo is sadly not a poetess prostitute but merely singing Vijay’s verses - she bought all his poems in the raddi (!) and is now all remorseful at turning him away.

Vijay sleeps rough, its morning and he is lounging around and spots Meena (Mala Sinha) getting off a swish car. Hey, Meena looking good there no, make that you are a DIVINE, RAVISHING GODDESS and you so need a tumblr shrine! Now Vijay again looking fucked. DRINK! Time for college flashback - Vijay looking so like the uncle next door but Meena, DIVINE! - general happy fuckery, lame jokes and then ROMANCE and CYCLE SONG! Stuff the serial fuckery, just DRINK because it’s all happy! But not for long and soon it’s the present and Vijay is being a coolie to earn a few paise. DRINK! And then takes himself off to a hotel to eat. But paise turn out to be khote. DRINK for the fuckery of the world is never ending! Then Gulabo spots him and pays for the meal - witness the beginnings of SUPER KINDRED SOUL fuckery. DRINK! DRINK! some more for Sattar Bhai (Johnny Walker) now singing CHAMPI SONG! Yay!! But what’s this - time for Sattar Bhai’s fucked up comedy show with hard as nails prostitute. Quick REWIND to champi song! DRINK! For no reason!

Then Vijay runs into an old friend and it’s CLASS REUNION time! So Vijay goes. Recognition at last, propelled to the stage to sing song! DRINK! But there is Meena in the audience. She’s DIVINE! Vijay sings SUPER SAD song, Meena anguished, audience unimpressed. DRINK! Outside Vijay runs into a publisher, Mr. Ghosh (Rehman) who invites him over. So off goes Vijay with his poems but Mr. Ghosh quizzing him on his college years and then offers him a job. On way out Vijay meets Meena in the lift and FLASHBACK and ROMANCE! Meena, Meena you are looking DIVINE in that Goddess Gown. Back in lift, Meena looking as if she could fuck Vijay on its floor but Vijay all bitter and moody. Enough to make a girl DRINK!

Mr. Ghosh invites Vijay to his house deliberately for there is Meena and she is Mr. Ghosh’s wife! Now looking closely at Mr. Ghosh – kind of portly in a fine suit but then the eye is drawn up and see those fine cruel lips, the cruel eyes, the cruel brows, the fleshy cheeks, the brilliantly pomaded hair…….so like a Fat Flashman……..think perversity, eroticism, sado- masochism, boudoir, corsets, knickers, white gloves, fetish, bondage….umm, er where was I?! Yes, hmmm, some rubbish poetry on, Vijay forced to serve drinks. So DRINK! Meena looking distressed, Fat Flashman thunderous on confirmation of liaison and Vijay contemptuous. Then Vijay singing and looking like the softest, sweetest, most feeling and soulful morsel of humanity so hush, suspend the snark, put down the DRINK! Audience however unimpressed so recommence DRINKING!

Meena now getting a bit stalkerish and Vijay being standoffish and all annoyed at Meena the gold-digger who thwarted his love. DRINK! Meena behaving a bit besotted here - drag him on to the couch girl and just get over him! Deliciously cruel Mr. Ghosh is however eavesdropping on Meena’s confessions and later - uh huh these were not the kind of spankings I had in mind - BAD MR. GHOSH, stick to role play! The next day, Vijay finds Fat Flashman throwing away his poems – what’s up with folk trashing poems but hey woo hoo for the fuckery of the world for we can DRINK!

Somewhere else in the city Gulabo all sad and still looking for Vijay. A trick turns sour and she is being chased by a policeman and then runs into Vijay who claims she is his wife to save her. Gulabo super happy and now her hot, hot body needs some serious cooling down – this erotically charged song will tell you all! Folks, it can be confirmed - Gulabo totally besotted with Vijay - but he disappears. Men, never there when a woman is hot and bothered. DRINK!

Some unnecessary comical fuckery from Sattar Bhai. LET’S NOT GO THERE AND JUST DRINK!

Vijay still sleeping rough in the city trying to drink water from a dry tap. But we can DRINK! Oh no Meena again stalking him. Meena, Meena surely Fat Flashman can offer you infinite more pleasures, albeit a tad sordid, than uptight Vijay! No? Pass him on to us! DRINK! Random storm and Vijay is in it. DRINK! Then Vijay finds out that the Maa is dead and the brothers don’t want him. DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! And have Vijay join you as he goes on a bender and then joins his friend for a kotha visit where a fetching lady is dancing. DRINK! But look the lady has a crying baby and Vijay is totes the only one with FEELINGS and TEARS! So much Sturm und Drang! And now he is singing a hauntingly beautiful song a Ballad of the Fallen Woman so to speak but you are also thinking hey Vijay, maybe you can remove that pretty, soulful mug that is so beautifully lit for a few minutes because it’s not always about how fucked up you feel, you know! Anyhow, DRINK!

Now Gulabo time. Gulabo is all fangirl – Vijay you are the Greatest Poet that ever lived! Also totes maternal and all for tucking him into bed. Vijay all no I am fucked, my poems are fucked, the world is fucked. DRINK! At this point he should take a Bex and lie down but no, leaves Gulabo and is totally cruising for more punishment and running wild over some railway lines and offering coat to shivering beggar. Then beggar dead under a train and everyone thinks its Vijay who is QUITE DEAD. DRINK! Fat Flashman gleeful but Meena and Gulabo all sad. Now Gulabo fangirl wants to get poems published (note that poem folder has a Spitfire on the cover, wtf!) but runs into Meena who doesn’t want this as the tome is dedicated to her. Meena vs Gulabo has Meena knocked out (Meena you remain DIVINE)! Then Gulabo begs Fat Flashman to publish poems and he does. Now Vijay a STAR. Crowds wanting to buy his book top Justin Bieber twitter followers! Fangirl Gulabo all happy. DRINK!

Meanwhile Vijay in hospital and bereft of speech. DRINK! Nurse now reading HIS poems to him (so touching!) and he is all those are my poems, I AM VIJAY! For that immediately carted off to pagalkhana. Meanwhile Vijay’s friend, his brothers and Fat Flashman have all cut a deal to not recognise Vijay for its well known that the only good poet is a DEAD ONE! DRINK for the glorious fuckery of the world is eternal! So Vijay quite quite stuck in pagalkhana. DRINK! Till Sattar Bhai spots him and gets him out. Another round!

Then time for a public reading of Vijay’s poems to which he turns up along with a million other fanboys of his sporting I AM VIJAY tees. Confusing! Meena on stage looking DIVINE, Fat Flashman - ummm - looking devilishly rakish and cruel and so so fetching in that Indian attire (put a brake on the fantasies girl!). Yes Vijay, you are a ROCK STAR, you are verily CHRIST Resurrected. But no need to sing about burning down the world, eh! Then a stampede as Fat Flashman goons try to hustle Vijay out, stamp out his existence and trample poor, devoted Gulabo. I don’t know about you but I need a DRINK! And now let’s all DRINK as Vijay is embraced and vindicated by the very people who spurned him - bar Fat Flashman whose rep is quite ruined for spruiking Vijay as a quite DEAD POET. DRINK to the friend! DRINK to the brothers! DRINK to the Publishers! DRINK to Meena! Another round to the ever changeable fuckery of the world!

Now time for another ROCK STAR Vijay appearance-this time as an undead poet!

But what’s this? Vijay in a MASSIVE FUCK YOU to the world. Shall we DRINK?! Vijay now claiming he is not Vijay. Much consternation. Another bloody stampede and another Sattar Bhai rescue of Vijay. Vijay who is not Vijay but is St. Vijay now saying goodbye forever to Meena and offering her his everlasting goodness and forgiveness. Its OK Meena, you are DIVINE, you have Fat Flashman and some excellent hair ornaments I am totally reproducing! Then Vijay off to Gulabo’s place and witness the consummation of their SUPER KINDRED SOUL fuckery as they walk off into the sunset! Hey Vijay not Vijay but still St. Vijay, goodbye then! Meanwhile for the rest of us depraved, unfeeling folk - its time for the FAT FLASHMAN BOUDOIR GAMES! DRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!

PS: Bonus DRINK for anyone who got title reference!

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Ouch. I grew up on Pyaasa songs and the idea of Guru Dutt as auteur. But this movie (and incidentally also Kaagaz ke Phool) is a hot turgid mess where maudlin sentimentality meets middlebrow romanticism. It is beautifully shot, its songs are quite wonderful, it has its moments I will give it that. But the central conceit of the film - of a tortured, sensitive genius crushed by society only to spurn its final acceptance too often feels like the petulance of a ignored child. Even a song like Jinhe Naaz Hai somehow fits uneasily in the film inspite of being its central piece partly because it is as much a considered reflection of the sordidness of the world as it is of the cult of the sensitive poet.  I find myself a little surprised that this movie turns up in top 100 lists.